Just got my Income Tax back ("Visions of sugar plums danced in my head"...let's see...all the things I could do...Then,"Pop!" In the wee hours on the way to work our van caught on fire. My spouse was safe and there was no accident, thankfully. He was just stranded and our transportation was way-laid, expired along the roadway. After he called I tried for an all night tow. No way. By the time I got a response, the city had impounded it. Then I had  to bring the dead soldier home on a big flatbed to the tune of $178.00. First I had to pay the police tow, too. So far, that's two tows. Before my very eyes, my dream money started to smolder, too, up in smoke.  That's when the rental car bomb started to tick. Now we started bleeding dollars by the day!

As they say, we didn't just come here on a potato truck...we were driving. So our next move was to stop the hemorrhaging by picking up a used car.. We cruised the malls looking for signs. We called a lot of answering machines to no avail. We asked around. Nothing. We bought little papers, "The Auto Trader", The Scoop"," The Trading Post", "The Sunday Dayton Daily". Allow me to enlighten you if you have never conducted such a search, there is a code to the advertisements.

Code for Car Ads

• Call Kevin for mechanical history. (This beauty has been in the shop more times than in the driveway.)
• Mechanics Special: Make one car out of two. (Could not be separated at the crash site.)
• Buy here, pay here...(for the rest of your life.)
• Keyless ( lost them.)
• Loaded (cat caught in engine for two weeks.)
• Tow packed (towed more than driven)
• Rear spoiler (comes with mother-in law) Sorry, couldn't resist.
• Cloth interior (Indian blankets covering tears.)
• Kelly BB (Jack Kelly's retired rent a heap.)
• Great engine (needs body...badly.)
• Really good mileage (If you and six buddies push really fast.)
• Needs some work (It's a hoopty.)
• Easy on gas (it doesn't start.)
• Lots of new parts ( totally rebuilt engine.)
• Fourteen thousand miles (turned back 5 times)
• Clean, like new (been repainted after wreck.)
• Genuine faux leather interior (plastic)
• Rebuilt as needed ( all the time.)
• No rust, high miles (Bondo-ed finish)
• Needs engine coupler and mounts (and engine.)
• Air-conditioned ( Sun roof won't close all the way, needs umbrella!)

So, weeks later, with barely enough left to buy a newspaper, my brother-in-law sends over his hundred dollar mechanic. (Not that I'm not grateful, mind you.) But now, having driven the bright red spanking brand new little Cobalt which barely sips gas, our eyes are opened. We need a new car.. Our gaze has the wild, far away look like the madman in the commercial who says, "War kittens!?!" We look at each other and simultaneously chant "New car!" We commence another prowl...hmmm...that May rebate from Uncle Sam will make the start of a nice down payment!

Now, I'm not saying that I'm totally slow on the uptake but, as I have said, my daughter CynaraJane sucked all my technical and mechanical abilities out of me as she traversed the passage to the bright light of the world. A while ago I simply wanted to print out fast food coupons. I really wanted a Reuben. I innocently typed in the simple address. Then hell-hounds bounded from my computer. Wham! my screen glazed over like a drunk's eyes on a three day bender. It froze, its turquoise  circle whirling like a dancing dervish.

 "No, no, no," I spat through gritted teeth.

I called upon all techno angels and computer savvy persons known to me. Nothing. "I "alt, control, deleted "and " alt f4'd" all over the place. I "x"'d out of everything. Nothing worked. It was hung by its own petard. With a groan I did the only thing that appeared on the screen of my "old-school" mind...I called on authority. Yes, I called upon tech support. Someone who spoke s language unknown to me as English answered after fully 30 minutes of advertising and "yes, no, yeses." Finally I was informed that I was five days out of warranty. I was directed to e-mail $49 for 2 weeks extension or $99 for a year's. Now mind you, if it were a software problem they would promise nothing, but if it were hardware, they would absolutely promise and categorically state that they would do nothing at all and assuredly that would be within the next 6 hours.

Finally I fully engaged my own thought processes and decided to try the most dangerous ploy of all. I shut off my computer, since nothing else would respond. Nor would it shut down. When in doubt, I would do what any modern elder would do...I called a grandchild. They are fluent in the tongue of any modern invention. She was in a movie theater.  No help.

She said, "It's frozen."

"I know," I quipped, "that is the problem in its perfection."

"Shut it off," she replied.

"Thanks, enjoy the movie, " I returned, as she was being shushed.

As a last resort, I called my alter-ego, my precious daughter,CJ.

"Unplug it," she commanded.

"But won't that disconnect me from the Internet Universe and make all my software melt and send Rumpelstiltskin to confiscate you on a long over due debt?" I whimpered.

"Unplug it."

So, as I whistle a happy tune, I type this message to you all. Though I may never be more computer literate than I am today, I will keep trying. like my Mother before me who could type 90 wpm on an electric typewriter, when the computer came along she was put off. Though she could make the keys sing, she would jam every manual, twisting the key arms like a wrestler. She claimed that she could not tolerate the keyboard. There wasn't the proper resistance and no click. For me, there certainly is no click, anxiety wells up in me like a gusher of oil . Whenever I try something new on this cross between a TV and a typewriter, I feel as if calamity is sure to follow.

In the meantime, I will struggle through, armed with but one key phrase, I leave you with this sage advice told to me on some far away mountaintop, if all else fails: twirl 10 times, spit over you left shoulder, bite your lip, close your eyes ...and just unplug it!